Brokebrain Mountain

You’ll have to pardon me; I’m in the middle of another chemical mistake. Yep, brain chemical mistake, from a brain chemical experiment. Now, I do want to point out that this is different than a lot of my past brain chemical experiments (and mistakes) in that the drugs in question are legal, prescribed to me, and that there really was a lot of discussion between me and my shrink on the wisdom of this experiment.

So, anyway, I had a heart attack back in early November, and, as I’m sure will surprise no one who understands how mammalian bodies function, I was told to quit smoking, start eating right, and start exercising. Well, my friends know that I might as well have been told to start fucking women. Nevertheless, I am trying really hard (the stakes, ya know… they’re high; I’m scared).

Now, I’ve been on Bupropion (same thing as Wellbutrin) for years, but about a year ago, I cut back for a couple reasons, the biggest one being that I was starting to have these weird anxiety attacks. My shrink thought the Bupropion might be the cause, and we decided I was gonna cut back. And I did. And, voilá! away go the anxiety attacks!

So, back to the shrink’s office a couple weeks ago, and I tell him I’m desperately trying to quit smoking, and, well, the subject of Wellbutrin comes up. We weigh the benefits (might actually quit smoking!) vs. the costs (might hate life!), and, silly me, decided to go ahead & up the dose.

One week after starting the new dose, I’m nervous as shit, obsessing over the most mundane things, and am generally scaring everybody around me (“shit, are you having another heart attack?” “no, just anxiety.” “are you sure, cause you look pretty FUCKED UP!”). Most amusingly, I want to smoke worse than ever.

So, one of the things I’m over-obsessing on is the new movie “Brokeback Mountain,” which came out last Friday, and which I really want to see (obsessively so now, mmm?), but which hasn’t made it to the Baked Apple yet. Almost every thought I’ve had for the last four days has somehow led back to some aspect of what I’ve read about the movie. I’ve read about thirty reviews; I found the Anne Proulx short story online & read it. I’ll probably write more about this after I see it, but I already know it’s gonna, uhm, resonate with me in a big way. Reminds me of my origins, my severely-homophobic-while-closeted days, what I thought, for a decade or so, was gonna be my fate. Such a lot of emotional response to a movie I haven’t seen yet, eh? A little creepy, mmm? I guess I’ll be stalking Jake Gyllenhaal momentarily.

The bitch is, even if it shows up in Tucson Friday, I won’t have a chance to see it until Monday at the earliest. Hopefully, now that I’m going back to my “saner” dosage of Bupropion, the obsession will retreat a little, and instead of being consumed by my desire to see the movie, I’ll just want to see the movie. That’d be pretty helpful. Especially at work.