The Bad Thing

Well, I did finally get confirmation last Friday: it is definitely cancer in my liver. One tumor is about 4cm in diameter; there are at least 4 tumors, although they appear fuzzy & indistinct in the imaging. They are metastatic, meaning they came from somewhere else. We don't know where "somewhere else" is, yet, though.

More tests this week: PET/CT scan on Wednesday and an MRI on Thursday. They are going to be specifically looking at my pancreas. From what I remember, if it's pancreatic cancer, I'm pretty much dead in months. I guess I could go confirm that on the web somewhere, but the thought of doing so turns my soul to jelly.

Planning on driving to Oklahoma & then to Yellowstone (Cliff nor I have ever been there) very soon, assuming I can put off treatment, whatever it may be, until after such a trip. Work has already said yes, I have a funding plan, plans for somebody to house sit & take care of the Anipals. It will be kind of a grind, but I'm really looking forward to it, and I think Cliff is too. Need to have some kind of happy short-term goal right now to cut through the bleakness.

One of the hardest things for me right now is to tell people. I've told a handful of people, as has Cliff. But how do I spread the word to the dozens of friends and hundreds of acquaintances? Or do I even do that? Should I just let the few key people I know do the heavy lifting there? Is that fair? Is it proper? I wish Miss Manners had something to say about this.

Being all emo

Feeling mighty down tonight... it's embarrassing to me to whine like a little bitch, but odds are nobody's going to read this, at least not until some time much further down the road, when hopefully I'll be more emotionally stable.

I'm waiting, as I have been since Monday, for the results of my liver biopsy, which in turn I had to wait to come to pass, after about a month & counting of jumping through hoops. My doctor thinks I probably have liver cancer. This conjecture was made shortly before Memorial Day, and my time since has been a series of trying to get tests scheduled, getting the tests, waiting for results, and moving on to the next test. So I'm going on a little over a month of not knowing for sure if I have cancer. My patience is pretty thin, and I caught myself tonight, at several points, losing it with Cliff, and barely pulling myself back. This is not acceptable.

Just ain't happy. Feel like shit. Can't really talk to anybody about it.